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Talk:Title pending/@comment-24751354-20151228222526
"My head hurt. And my eyes hurt. And my legs. And my cheeks. And everything else. Even my heart, which was strange." "And my eyes hurt" this kinda stands out a bit... it's a 4 word line, and it repeats 'hurt', but the lines after it don't... it makes "And my legs." seem a little disjointed... would 'And my eyes' work better?.... I'm not sure... "And everything else" also seemes to interrupt the flow... Before I can suggest any suggestions for this, I'm wondering, what is the significance of head, eyes, legs, and cheeks? are they random? Maybe try to make sure that the order is significant... maybe order your parts so that it follows a path... I feel like you could approach this better, but I like it as an introduction... "It was a cold day, the wind pouring down the streets like a wind tunnel." Be careful using "the" to introduce a noun... it directly suggests that the noun in question was already introduced. In this case, it isn't. "It was a cold day" in no way suggests that it is also windy. Use a word to suggest that it was windy, but dont use "wind" for it... you already used the word twice in the same conjunction... maybe you should find something to compare wind to other than a 'wind tunnel'... "Dismal and wintery, the sky was a blank canvas, dull white and drab and empty" "dull white and drab and empty" I guess it's not too wrong... 'dull white, drab, and empty' would be the proper way, but stylistically, if that's how it reads best to you, you can keep it... stylistically, "dull white, drab, empty" might make your words a little more powerful... There is a problem, though... use a semicolon after canvas... this is a run-on "I had wrapped my scales in a lavish white coat, the furred hood wrapping warmly around my neck." Watch out... you used "wrapped and wrapping" twice in the same sentence.... don't do that. Maybe use a word that gives a warm feeling... "wrapping" is so inanimate... "lime yellow" -> "lime-yellow" ? " round black sunglasses that were perched on the bridge of my nose" I'm pretty sure you 'perch upon' something rather than 'perch on'... that being said, it reads better without "that were" "- and outfit that probably costed more than most dragons made in a year." typo... 'an outfit' Also, keep in mind, this also has an inhuman feel to it... I have absoltuely no clue what she thinks about this... She is very much aware that she is dressed lavishly, but is she proud of her fashion sense, is she ashamed that she's a fop, does she make thes kinds of notes to herself? You're giving us this bit of information, but I can't characterize her based on it... try to work on that... "i" Luster....... I know you like lowercase letters, but this is just cruel... you have to capitalize the word 'i'... you just have to.... this is really getting to me... Ignore my earlier message... I can see that you're characterizing her as a bit proud and vain. "Pride is me and i am pride". Try 'Pride is me and I, pride', or something to that extent.. I'm not sure where the comma needs to be... but your sentence right now doesn't work. It stands out because 'i am' suggests that proud is going to be your next word. "if anyone is to see" indirectly suggests that that is her intent. "if anyone is to see that i could be affected by anything, they'd have to try much harder" it is also present tense, and you use past tense in the sentence as well... If this is her thought, you need present tense. she can be affected by anything. "I was standing" -> 'I stood' "I was standing among many other dragons - only comprised of SkyWings and MudWings - who were all dressed like the average middle class dragon." "I stood among many other dragons; a group comprised solely of SkyWings and MudWings. 'Average middle class dragons'." that doesn't quite work, but maybe try an approach like that... If she is the type to use her fashion to feel pride in herself, maybe she would be the type to associate dress with what kind of dragons they are... if they dress like middle class, then they are middle class.